Taking a break

I’m taking a break from positivity.

I have a million emotions running through me. None of which are of the happy positive kind.

I cannot stop crying. I am angry, I am numb and I am most of all disappointed in hope and the universe.

For the past three weeks, I have cried every day. To make it worse and I can’t stop myself, I have become obsessed with googling. Wherever my mind wanders to, I google in search for a glimmer of hope, obsessed with finding answers to all the random questions that pop into my head. I’ve even googled how long does it take to cry away all my tears?

You see I had come to terms that I will lose my father to Alzheimers. It’s been a process watching him slowly fade away, but it started to hit home when we had to validate his palliative care - watching him struggle to swallow and communicate, and laying there motionless. Selfishly I take comfort knowing that when I visit him, he still squishes his face to smile and wiggles his lips when I kiss him on his forehead. This will eventually stop and the sadness will again wash over me.

However, saying goodbye to dad isn’t why my emotions are running wild. Dad reaching the end-of-life stage has been a long time coming. While it was never going to be easy and without tears, it has been something we’ve been preparing for. However, in focusing on my father, we neglected my mother.

Here is where I feel like I’ve been handed a grenade. My beautiful, strong, patient, loving, selfless mother has been diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. I am beyond devastated. How can someone who doesn’t nor has ever smoked have lung cancer??

Since placing my father into aged care at the onslaught of Covid-19, my mother gave up everything to be by my father’s side everyday for the past two nearing three years. She took on all our guilt, knowing that my father never wanted to end up in a “nursing home” but there was no other option. I had thought or hoped (but that’s a fail), that once my father passed, mum would slowly return to her old self again.

Guess that won’t be happening.

I always had an inkling that when one parent passes, the other would not be far behind. The romantic in me, which has been instilled in me by my folks, was they would have died of a broken heart as the love they have for each other was beyond any love I have ever known. I never imagined I would watch each parent wither away from a terminal illness.

To the universe, I tried to be a good person, I don’t understand where I went wrong, where my family went wrong.

I’m over searching for that elusive light. Should I even be lucky to find it, the two most precious people to me won’t even be here to share it.

We can’t control what happens, but we can control how we respond to it. Right now, my response is f*ck you universe. I can’t see how I will ever get over this…

Thoughts on Morocco

When the borders reopened, I had no desire to whip out the passport. I had done my fair share of international travel in my earlier years and was happy to wait till 2023. The universe however, had other plans and flow had me jumping on a big jet plane.

Morocco, while I’d like to say you were a breath of fresh air, it would be wrong for me to use those exact words, as the dust and smoke were not so kind to me.  Luckily the people, the food and the lifestyle made up for it!

Just to be clear, Morocco was everything and more than I could have imagined.  Initially, I had my reservations traveling to an African Islamic country but I’ve been inspired by Nouvelle Nomad and if I am to get closer to ticking off an item from my bucket list, which is to land on all seven continents, I had to take a leap of faith. I am so giddy that I did.  I forgot how travel opens our eyes to different perspectives and how it guides us in our growth, for we are forever growing.

People

Moroccans are good-natured, kind-hearted and helpful people.

• Arriving in Marrakech, immigration was concerned that I had landed in the wrong city, as I had noted the majority of my stay would be in a coastal town south of Morocco. In making sure I had understood his questions, the immigration dude got his colleague to ask me the same questions again.  I assured them I knew where I was going and I had people expecting me.

• Purchasing a local mobile sim card, the sales person was adamant in selling me a 30 euro sim card even though all I wanted was one to the value of 100 dirham (10 euros). A local dude next to me, tells the sales person ‘she wants the minimum, sell her the minimum or do I need to buy it?’, all said and done with a smile and a little conversation. Nuff said.  

• I had a great time surfing at the local breaks.  No argo, just good vibes, encouragement and party waves with fellow surfers.  Taking the road less traveled, I ended up at breaks where there would be no more than 10 surfers out the back - a mix of locals, surf coaches and travelers. The thing that puts me to shame is that they all spoke English and would happily chat to me, give me tips and call out waves but if the roles were reversed I don’t think I could have done the same. I do not know German, French, Spanish or Arabic. I guess at least I know hand gestures and the shaka that always makes an appearance after a sweet ride!   

• Hand gestures are a thing. The three hour bus trip from Marrakech to Agadir had more locals than tourists travelling on the bus.  I was seated next to a local who communicated with me by offering her snacks and using hand gestures to let me know when we were at a rest stop and that it would be a good time to stretch our legs.

• My last day in Morocco, I had given away all my dirhams with the assumption that I could card everything at the airport. I was wrong. Waiting for my morning flight, a kind and generous Moroccan offered to buy me breakfast.  Initially, I refused but her repeated offers and my desperation for a coffee won out!  Her kindness and her conversation was delightful and even on my last day I continued to learn more about Morocco and got to see Morocco through the eyes of a local via her instagram.  

In a nutshell, Moroccans are hard working and happy people.  They do everything with a smile and with joy.  But as with life in general, the question is can you trust a smile? There will always be hustlers but hey, you get hustlers everywhere, it’s not country specific.  But what I found in Morocco is (1) if you offer kindness, kindness you will receive (2) if you stand your ground or play their game, at least they know they gave it a go and they will stop hassling.

While some people possess a resting b*tch face, I do wonder if I possess the lost and confused face?!  Because the kindness that I received in Morocco was far beyond what I would have ever expected.

Food

Moroccan food is so much more than raisins, nuts and couscous.  While most main dishes are cooked in a tagine and flavoured with a variety of fresh herbs and spices, there is also an abundance of fresh produce. Endless supply of salads and olives for days…!

A must do when in Marrakech is to nab a spot with Marrakech Street Food Tours. Three hours of non-stopping eating. Even if you go with an empty belly, you’ll still be rolling home and sleeping well :)

Lifestyle

• Riad life.  I cannot fault Riad Tilila, which is where I stayed in Marrakech.  And you must stay in a riad if you are visiting the city.  To not do so would be a huge travel fail.  There is a lot of history behind the architecture and design of a riad.  The riads you stay in today are of course catered to modern comforts but its essence still lives on.  A riad is like a fortress.  In Arabic, it means a garden that is divided into four parts and has a courtyard/fountain in the middle that acts as a light well and provides a source of natural light.  Some riads may have windows looking out to the outside world but these were only added in recent times.

• Traveling down the coastline of southern Morocco, I arrived at a beautiful house that overlooked the ocean. This wasn’t random. I had come across this place prior to leaving Melbourne but it was a question of whether I would travel an additional two hours on top of the three hour bus ride to experience the road less traveled.  I am so glad I did.  The house, the hospitality and soul of it all was majestic.  And the amazing thing for me was how being so far away from home, the world could still be small.  The mention of a Byron Bay surfer would begin a process of connecting the dots.  As the owners of the house explains, “this is our home and we want to attract only good people and good vibes”.  I’m so grateful that I ended up where I did. Merci a vous pour tout Lisa and Mehdi! 

Morocco you are all good vibes and nothing less. Until next time and I sincerely hope there will be a next time, inshallah :)