For most of us, the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic will be the first pandemic that we have lived through and let’s hope it’s the last pandemic we will ever have to experience. But without a vaccine, we’re still on a highway to the danger zone...
Over the past few months, we have been called to #StayHome. A simple concept and for someone like myself who embraces the modern-day nomadic life, it shouldn’t have been difficult but it was. While the work side of things has been fine since I was already accustomed and well equipped with working remotely, I was like “welcome to my world” but what I did find challenging was the notion of ‘home’ as for me ‘home’ is not one physical place . I am at home when I am in the ocean. On paper, home is a place in Abbotsford. But when you have a family member who is terribly ill, you realise home cannot be defined as a fixed place you note on a piece of paper but rather it’s the place where you’re with family or rather family becomes home. And it’s interesting, the idea family is home is not just for the modern-day nomad, it can apply to anyone. For me, I hope somewhere in my dad’s dementia state his brain somehow will allow him to accept this.
As a modern-day nomad, I thought I was in a prime position to deal with COVID19 but the universe sure does love to throw curve balls. I know COVID19 is not personal but my sentiment is the same as my friend’s little boy Sebby who expresses his feelings quite openingly and honestly “I hate corona.” Me too Sebby, me too. While healthcare professionals have been working hard and yes I thank them but I am also disappointed in how while focusing on avoidance, the mental health and welfare of a vulnerable human has not been taken into account.
My father has dementia and just before the onslaught of COVID19, he had a hemorrhagic stroke. He spent a month in hospital. This hospital adapted by allowing one visitor a day for one hour. My dad was improving and never did he cry. Seeing my mum everyday gave him strength. My mum was his family, his sense of home. However, when the hospital could no longer provide him with a bed and fair enough he was taking up a needed bed, he was moved into transition care and this is where it all went downhill. For a person with dementia moving them from one location to another and not being able to be with their family, given that touch and familiarity are so important, is not just traumatic, it’s also quite damaging ‘cause any gains a person with dementia may have achieved, can rarely be gained back when there are constant changes to one’s environment. Over the month, my father was moved three times not within a facility but to different facilities and during that month my mother had no physical contact with my father. He was left in a clinical room where he saw no familiar faces, knew no one and when you have dementia, you might not know how to pick up the phone or call for assistance, my dad fell in this category. Seeing us on video chat, just made my dad more upset as he was confused as to why we had ‘left’ him in a strange place and why we were together without him.
To ‘save’ my father, our only option was to prematurely place him in aged care. The aged care facility we chose was not only close to mum but had adapted such that mum could visit dad everyday. Unfortunately, damage had been done, where my father now repeatedly demands to go ‘home’, packing up each day to go ‘home’ and is now easily agitated. This damage has resulted in us further medicating my father :(
We’ve been told my father will never be able to go ‘home.’ So I hope (and hope is all I have) my father will learn to see home as family. As the saying goes, ‘home is where the heart is’. Maybe he may come to also understand the modern-day nomad path I have chosen to take. I know that might be asking a bit too much but hey that’s between my dad and I. Who knew we would be two peas in a pod… kinda… :)
As Mark Manson mentions in his book, Everything is F*cked – A Book About Hope, to build and maintain hope we need three things: a sense of control, a belief in the value of something, and a community. My hope lies in continuing to advocate for my dad (control), valuing family as home, and making sure that the aged care facility is a community where my dad is safe and he feels at home, like family.
My family will take each day as it comes and to get through it we will try to “find the smallest bit of happiness in each day”, wisdom shared by Sebby’s mother.
“Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control.
But as long as you’re with the right people you can handle anything.”
~ Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Ironic, COVID19 provided me with the time to watch all six seasons of Brooklyn Nine-Nine back-to-back. While this comedy series provided a bit of escapism and chuckles, who knew it would also impart great wisdom at a time when I needed it so much.